XemSai: It Was Love

It was more than devotion.
It was more than a close friendship.
It was love.
But how?
Saix puzzled over this question as he sat in his study. It wasn’t a room, as Nobodies required very little maintenance. Sleep being one of the many things they did not need, which left little to put in a room. So instead, most Nobodies just decorated it with books or other objects that had some meaning to them.
How is it possible?
He was so quick to shot down the opinions of those who believed they could feel without a heart. And yet here he lay in his study, staring at his ceiling, feeling what he refused to believe they felt.
Saix was not a hypocrite. Which is why he suddenly felt as if he had to apologize for ever snapping at another Nobody who stood up for the feeling in their chest. Suddenly, he felt like he had it backwards this whole time.
“Try to feel something!” They had told him.
“We cannot feel! Why try?” He had told them back.
Suddenly, he felt as if they were not imagining the feeling. And as he thought, he knew they weren’t. He was the one suppressing the feelings in his heart. It had been the opposite all along.
He had been suppressing the feelings.
Not the other way around.
They had always been there; he had just refused to feel them because of…
Xemnas… Do you feel anything?
Saix suddenly needed to know. He had to know. Did Xemnas feel?
Standing up in his dimly lit room he disappeared into a portal of darkness just moments later.
-X-
As he had known he found Xemnas basking in the light of Kingdom Hearts. He appeared behind him, his expression strangely not stoic. Xemnas’s yellow eyes glided back to see who his visitor was. He blinked and turned around, his movements oddly delayed. “What brings you here, Saix…?” he asked in his low voice.
For once, Saix had been listening for emotion, and found none. He faltered as his mind registered the actual words and not the tone. “Have you ever tried…?” He asked quietly.
Xemnas must have known what he meant right away, he was used to Saix voicing his thoughts without thinking to explain first. But for once, instead of replying he seemed to dance around the subject by answering his question with a question of his own. “Tried what, Number Seven…?”
Saix was staring at the floor now. He began to question the worth of his questions. But he pursued the answers anyway, replying with an explanation. “Have you ever tried to feel…?”
Xemnas’s face registered no shock, of course, but something did flicker across it but Saix had seen it only because he was watching. By chance, he had been watching for some reaction, watching so deeply that he figured he must have imagined it until Xemnas’s reply seemed to assure him he had seen something. “Where are you going with this, Saix…?”
Saix knew by now that when he used his name that this was no longer just a chat. It was only for intimate conversations did they ever use one another’s names. Using numbers was purely out of respect. Now that Xemnas had dropped that, Saix knew what they said now would have to be completely secret.
“What I mean, Xemnas…” Saix watched him but he didn’t react at all. He nodded ever so slightly to urge him on. “…is that… How do we know we cannot feel, if we don’t try?”
There was a silence. Such a long, painful silence that Saix thought that maybe Xemnas was going to stay like that forever. Just as he moved to dismiss his question as inappropriate and meaningless Xemnas cut him off with a reply that told him he really shouldn’t say anything more.
“Do you have to try to feel something to feel it, Saix?” It wasn’t a question, even if his voice had formed it into one, it wasn’t meant to be answered.
But Saix suddenly felt defensive to his own question. He felt angry somehow, like how he knew the others must have felt when he dismissed them just as simply. “But Xemnas… How can we be so sure…?”
“…Enough, Saix.” Xemnas finally said. “If you continue to pursue this opinion, I’ll begin to doubt your devotion to me.”
No. Saix thought suddenly. No, Xemnas… I am completely devoted to you… You know that…so why won’t you listen to me?
Saix almost didn’t reply. He truly almost ended everything there. But he couldn’t. There was still more to be said.
“…Xemnas… Why won’t you just try…?”
“Why do you insist on this?” Xemnas demanded. He spread out his arms, motioning to everything around him. “Why do you insist on these feelings? Unless…” his eyes moved to Saix’s. You’ve somehow been tricked into believing the nonsense of the other members.
Saix didn’t need him to say that next sentence. His eyes said it all very loudly and very clearly.
“It’s not a trick…” He whispered, so quietly that Xemnas never heard even the outline of it. “Because…”
Why? Because why?
Do you really feel something?
His inner voices began to interfere with his composition of answers to questions.
“Because…” He could see Xemnas’s expression shifting so that his eyebrow was raised in a questioning look.
“I…”
I what?
I feel something?
For what?
Towards him…
Or do I?
Am I just imagining it?
No.
It was more than devotion.
It was more than a close friendship.
It was love.
Saix suddenly looked straight into his superior’s eyes. “Because I am feeling something… Right now… Aren’t you…?”
Love is a questionable enough emotion as it is. Does he love you back? How do you know?
When you’re not supposed to be able to feel it in the first place, it becomes much more questionable.
Xemnas said nothing. His expression said he wasn’t going to either.
Saix knew why. He took two steps, listening to the loud clanking they made in the night.
How can you be so sure… if you never try?
Xemnas didn’t move as Saix closed the gap between them in five small steps. He didn’t move as he placed his hands on his face, and he didn’t move when he brought his face just centimeters from his. He didn’t react at all.
Saix stared at him, so confused, wondering what he was thinking and what he felt, before two hands clasped over his own. He winced away, flinching and waiting for whatever was to come. He had done something almost as bad as treason. How would Xemnas react?
That was why he never expected hot lips to close around his own. His eyes flew open as he saw the man he claimed to have feelings for in front of him, kissing him. The man who claimed he couldn’t feel.
So then what is this?
He felt his imagined heart pound as he let his hands slid from Xemnas’s grip, moving to his waist as he tried to capture the moment in his memory forever.
And then, too quickly, it was over. Xemnas moved away, finally opening his eyes and staring at Saix. For a few seconds nobody moved. Then, Saix retracted his hands and stepped back, avoiding eye contact.
“You were right…” Xemnas said, breaking the long silence and making Saix glance up at him. He would have sworn he saw a smile on Xemnas’s lips had he known that was impossible. But as he watched, he saw it wasn’t just his eyes playing tricks. “…how did we know we couldn’t feel, unless we tried…?”
Saix smiled in return.
END